An Untimely Epilogue: One Woman's Journey Through Tragedy, Resilience, and Self-Actualization
By Hannah Whitesides, Director of the Tribe @ Project P and the Project Passport Wellness Hub
Note: The Tribe @ Project P is paused at this time for the public and only open to women booked for travel retreats
Alicia is no stranger to trials and tribulations in her life. In fact, my interview with her allowed me to see an Alicia that I had never seen before - a woman who, despite all of the adversity, remained resilient, hopeful, and focused. Here is Alicia’s story.
Alicia grew up in Memphis, Tennessee, and that is where she resides today. She is a front desk coordinator at a non-profit organization responsible for helping people in Tennessee with housing opportunities. Starting in the 7th grade, Alicia began writing poetry as a way to express her thoughts and feelings. Now 33 years old, she continues to use this as a coping mechanism and has accumulated over 300 poems. During her middle and high school years, she didn’t realize what she was actually going through. But reading back through her old poems in college she quickly began to realize that she had been suffering from anxiety and depression. Alicia explained to me that by reading her old poems through the years she was able to see the same patterns and themes over time. This gave her insight into what she needed to work on and in turn, was able to see her growth.
Alicia describes her wellness journey beginning in the year 2021. She was married to her now ex-husband. They had been through a lot and Alicia decided it was time to return to counseling. She had previously attended counseling in college (2008-2013) but she explains that this time she was able to find the right counselor, which was the catalyst that sparked the turning point in her journey.
The years 2021 and 2022 brought Alicia incredible adversity. She began to realize that who she had become was not someone she recognized. She had changed over the course of her marriage, not necessarily in a bad way, however, she began to identify some things that she really wanted to change about herself. It soon became apparent to both her and her now ex-husband that it was better for them both to move on in their individual lives. Although the decision was made, it was still a mental and emotional process that took months for Alicia to come to terms with. At a time like this, many people would be convinced that what they were going through was all that they could handle. If anything else bad happened, they would just give up, tap out, surrender to whatever horrible thing came next without any will to resist. But what happens when life actually does add fuel to the fire and force you past what you thought was your breaking point? Alicia was about to find out.
As Alicia was on the road to recovery and adjusting to life as a newly single woman, she was thrown an even greater challenge. One that would not only test her faith but would test her strength and resilience in the face of immense grief. It was June 5th. Alicia had been informed that her older brother had suffered a heart attack. Being a young, physically fit, and nutritionally healthy man, the shock of this news was mind-boggling.
“When we were informed that he did not make it, I was in complete shock because his passing was sudden and there was no indication of health issues. I called my oldest brother to break the news to him but didn't tell my nieces and nephew because I knew that was something my sister wanted to do. I also contacted my brother's sister on his father's side to inform her. At that moment and even up until we buried him, I didn't think about myself. My focus was to be strong for my parents, siblings, nieces, and nephew. I never even thought I would be helping to put together a homegoing celebration for my brother or to read a poem for him that he would never get to hear. I really appreciate the ones who took time out to check on us and made sure we were okay. I especially appreciate my sister (my deceased brother's wife), and my nieces and nephew because even when I smiled and laughed, they knew that inside I was crumbling.”
Alicia was grieving. She was not only grieving the sudden loss of her brother but she was grieving the loss of her marriage and her ex-husband who she had known half of her life. She was facing two of the hardest tasks: accepting and moving forward from her brother’s death while simultaneously working to get to a place where she genuinely wished her ex-husband well.
“I remember the day after he passed, my sister called and told me to come to stay with her, my nieces, and my nephew because she knew I was at home dealing with everything by myself. What I learned is that I don't have to go through my toughest times alone and that it's okay to not be the ‘strong’ one every time.” Alicia explains that despite all of the pain and suffering she was experiencing she was able to become a stronger woman mentally and emotionally because of God, therapy, and her wonderful support system.
I’d like to take a moment out of her story for some observation. During my interview with Alicia, she spoke about her brother with such admiration but also with a very matter-of-fact tone when discussing his death. As someone who has also lost a loved one, it’s easier to separate yourself from the situation at hand by speaking of it in a matter-of-fact way. You’re able to disconnect your emotions by solely focusing on the facts. Normally, in my experience, when folks speak in this manner about a death it suggests that either they haven't fully processed what has happened or the death was so long ago that they have worked through their grief and healed. When Alicia was speaking of her brother in this manner, my guess would have been the latter because I could tell that it definitely wasn’t the former. Yet, I was quickly jolted back into the face of her reality when she said, “One [of her brothers] is ten years… was ten years older.” Still having to correct yourself between the past and the present tense really made me realize that this literally just happened to her. I am truly in awe at her ability and strength to speak openly about what she went through when many, if not most, people at this point in their grief journey would still be processing the tragedy and cursing the universe asking why this happened. Alicia isn’t doing any of that. She is able to take what this life gives her with strength and acceptance while giving herself grace. That’s resilience at its core.
“I still have my good days and my bad days when it comes to my brother but I have tools that I can use now when I am grieving. As my counselor always said, ‘Grief has no set end date, it just gets a little bit easier and you learn more about how to celebrate that person and their life when they were here.’”
Despite her struggles, Alicia is now dedicated to overcoming her fears and not letting them stop her from living her life to the fullest because our last day doesn’t come with a warning sign. She attributes much of this mindset to her late brother who told her,
“Baby girl, I hate that you have gone through what you’ve gone through but now I want you to go out and really live your life. I want you to enjoy time with family and friends. Do all the things that you have wanted to do and keep doing the things that you enjoy and are good at.”
Rather than looking back at all she has endured with anger and sadness, she will take the lessons she learned and use the wisdom she gained to carry a new Alicia into this next chapter of her life. This Alicia is strong, mentally and emotionally and she knows it. She is proud of herself for all her accomplishments and recognizes that she deserves to be celebrated for those accomplishments. She is dedicated and eager in her academic pursuit to finish her Master’s degree in Clinical Psychology with a concentration in Clinical Counseling and is excited about all of the possibilities and opportunities that will follow. She continues to love the people in her life with everything she has and remains dedicated to supporting them as much as she can while also giving herself the same support and grace that she gives to so many others. In the face of fear, Alicia is pursuing her dreams and goals, refusing to let any of her doubts, worries, or apprehensions hold her back. She is focused on what’s to come; looking forward with promising optimism that everything she’s prayed for will come to fruition.
Image by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash.com
A Message to the Reader from Alicia
“No matter what you are going through, you have to have faith that you will get through it, no matter what that looks like. When you’re in the midst of a storm you never see the sunlight. It’s not until the storm ends that you actually see the sunlight. Whatever you’re going through keep fighting, keep going, and trust and believe that you’ll make it through. If you need help, always reach out to people. Sometimes it’s the people you least expect who can really help you. Build your support system so that you all can lean on each other when you need it most.”
If you’re interested in connecting with Alicia, you can email her at alicia_jones4@yahoo.com or visit her Facebook page.
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